I can't remember a time when I didn't claim to be a Christian, though there were definitely periods (or maybe just one lengthy period) when I didn't care much what that meant. But for the most part, I had a typical white bread, Sunday school, youth group life. I really didn't start digging into my faith and measuring my life against it until this past year.
In March of last year, I began a quest to read more and really started in earnest after giving up daytime TV. (had to fill the void somehow!) I'd heard the quote "if you're not reading, you're not learning" and decided that though I didn't have the money or the discipline to pursue a formal education, that didn't mean my only other option as a stay-at-home mom was to let my mind atrophy. So I dug out all the books in the house that I hadn't read yet and piled them on my nightstand. Since then, I've had to pile them in several places throughout the house. The more I read, it seems, the more I want to read ~ and the faster I aquire new reading material!
I didn't intentionally exclude works of fiction, but I blow through those so quickly that I never have any sitting around that I HAVEN'T read. Non-fiction books, particularly Christianity-related ~ I happened to have several that I'd picked up or been given over the years that I'd never opened. The husband also had a few Bible school texts with interesting titles, and even our tiny, largely out-dated church library had a few volumes I borrowed to read through ~ most notably, the massive tome, "The Body: Being Light in Darkness."
That book was sort of the catalyst, I guess. From a layperson perspective, it's an indepth look at what the Church ~ the Body of Christ ~ is supposed to look like and how it's supposed to function in this world. The line that stopped me cold was this quote: "Sure, studying how to best articulate a Christian apologetic takes time," author Charles Colson says, "but didn't the apostle Peter command ALL of us to always be ready to give a defense of our faith? It is inexcusable for mature disciples to allow themselves to be intimidated."
Inexcusable? Yikes. Suddenly, I had a problem. Either I had chosen to remain spiritually immature, or I was just ignorant! Neither seemed particularly flattering, but the fact remained: I did NOT know how to articulate my beliefs. I was NEVER ready to give a defense of my faith. Clearly, after roughly 30 years of professing Christianity, I needed to start POSSESSING it!!
Since then, the study of my Bible and many other books (all of which are listed here), as well as becoming a daily listener of Revive Our Hearts radio broadcasts (which I listen to online as part of my morning devotions) have become passionate pursuits and have led to great spiritual growth over the last several months. I actually DESIRE to read my Bible, theology texts, and biographies of great Christian men and women from the past!
Personal/practical holiness has been something for which I struggled under enormous conviction this past fall and it has led to further changes in the way I live my life. (I preached a sermon/gave a testimony about this in our church; it's here, if you're interested.) It's becoming clearer and clearer the importance of living like the "royal priesthood" believers are called to. Living "in the world but not of it" always seemed tricky in the past, but with studying the Scriptures comes more wisdom and greater discernment, and I discovered it really isn't all that complicated. But, it can and does sometimes require sacrificing things we love or are very accustomed to doing, as well as things that virtually everyone around us ~ believers and non-believers alike ~ are doing/reading/saying/watching.
I'm a work in progress ~ far from perfect ~ but for once I'm excited about the journey, despite the hard work! I am blessed in order that I might be a blessing to others and to display the glory of God, and my fervent prayer is that my friends and family can someday say they know I lived by that statement.
(AKA LaughingLady)
5 comments:
I agree with you Tammi. I went through quite the spell a few months ago because I had such an inner struggle of wanting to be closer to the Lord, because I felt Him calling me closer, but still wanting to be the wife my husband wanted me to be, and not wanting to lose myself. I was frustrated that God would ask more of me when I had already given so much. It is hard to watch other Christians do things/watch things/say things/etc. that God has asked me not to do. My fear is "when will enough be enough, I don't want to be a Job, what if He asks that much of me?" But I finally submitted and surrendered my desires for myself to the Lord. I've been so much at peace since then. When I die, I don't want to meet God knowing that I didn't do His will for my life because I thought it was too hard. Not after all He's done for me.
I'm glad you shared your testimony!
I'm glad you took the time to share, it was encouraging and also a reminder that we can't become complacent as Christians.
YES! I totally understand that fear!!! I have a really hard time praying for God's will to be done sometimes because I have a sneaking suspicion that it will mean yet another sacrifice. Such selfishness! ;)
There was a time back in November when I thought even my marriage (which, ever since our first year, I've considered healthy and strong) was suddenly in jeopardy because I was under such conviction to overhaul my entire life ~ and my "new" life was just a little too restrictive for my husband's liking. He constantly felt like I was judging him. Thank God my eyes were opened just a little further and I realized I'd fallen into the trap of legalism without even noticing. But until I came to that realization and repented, I was really quite scared of what my future might look like because I thought I was following God and yet following Him seemed to be creating a gap between my husband and myself.
Things have been much more peaceful since then!
That's wonderful Tammi. I've been there..several times. It's difficult when the wife is more spiritually mature than the husband. There's a reason God designed the man to be the spiritual head of the home. I have found, and you seem to have too, that us following God's will always works out in the end. I personally learned that it took me being in my place first, before my husband could grow into his. He matured leaps and bounds after I finally submitted into being in my place no matter what. It was so strange...this last struggle I had, I finally talked with him and told him my fear of him not liking the changes God was asking me to make, and he lovingly said, "you need to do what God wants you to do, and let me worry about how it affects me." I was floored. How much he has grown!
Sounds like a very similar conversation to the one hubby and I had not that long ago! And very similar experiences with first deciding to be the wife and "help-meet" and then noticing the head of the household take his rightful place in the home. God is so good!!
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