Jen’s Testimony

I was raised in a culturally Christian home. We went to church on Sunday but did not have a bible in the house. I was christened and confirmed in the faith, yet I had no relationship with Jesus. None of us knew the Word so how could we possibly follow His ways?

Instead, I was raised on the “Good Person” gospel. Just be a good person and everything will be fine. So I got good grades, worked to be popular in school, wore the right clothes and thought about myself first. I lied, I stole, I committed sexual immorality. I was a glutton, a drunkard and a fool. But I didn’t know it because I was a good person, living by the law of the world.

I spent my 20’s living fast and working my way up the corporate ladder. Before I knew it, I was 31,divorced and wanting a do-over, but I didn’t turn to God. Believing that being a good person was enough to expect good things for my life, I carried on in my own strength. I met Dave, fell in love and remarried with high hopes for the future.

Soon, we were expecting our 1st child and we were so excited. Sadly, I miscarried and my world shattered. My heart was broken. I was broken and for the 1st time in my life, I cried out to God. “Why God? Why did this happen? Why should I endure such heartbreak? I’ve always believed in You! I have always known that you are good! I am a good person. Why?”

And He said, “I am here.” And I felt His presence for the very 1st time. His peace. And He held me all through that night.

I awoke still broken, but with a new hope hidden in my heart. The Holy Spirit began the long process of drawing me in. This hunger that I couldn’t really identify kept rumbling within me. Our first son was born and I joined my friend at her church one Sunday. I kept going with her through my second pregnancy. Just after our second son was born, I got a bible and started reading it. I volunteered at vacation bible school. I watched all of these Christian families very closely. They all seemed to have this secret to joy that I didn’t and I wanted what they had. And soon after, with my bewildered husband clutching our baby & toddler looking on, I was baptized in a backyard pool after church one Sunday.

That was 10 years ago.

A lifetime ago.

I was on fire. The hunger for God’s Word was insatiable. I couldn’t get enough. I was at church every time the doors were open. I soaked up everything. I could feel the Holy Spirit within me. I marveled at the changes in my spirit. And somewhere along the line, I took over. I began to look to people instead of God. Legalism and a judgmental heart took hold of me. It wasn’t pretty.

I am just now, after all this time, dying to myself. Or , I should say, coming to understand how and why to do that each and everyday. I am just now cherishing my relationship with Jesus above all else. I am just now facing those little hidden sins of pride, selfishness, unforgiveness and idolatry that separate me from true freedom in Christ.

I spent so much time trying to be a good Christian in my own power. I don’t want to waste one more day! It isn’t about me at all, is it? It is about Him! It is my prayer every day to just be still and know that He is God. I want to feast on His Word. I want to raise my children to KNOW Him. I want to trust Him with all I am and all I have. I pray for my beloved husband, Dave, to see his need for Jesus and give Him his life.

As I read through the bible this year, I have so many more questions than I ever have before. I was always to intend on knowing what I was supposed to know and would readily agree with my teachers. This time, I am digging in and am not afraid to consider the whole picture. I’m not afraid to ask, “Why?” I want a real, intimate knowledge of this Living Word. I don’t want to miss a thing!