Sunday, January 6, 2013
Ephesians 2:8-9 says, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast.”
It was through this verse that my world came into focus in 2011. As a childless, single, working Christian woman in her thirties, I made myself busy doing what I thought was expected of me. Which meant that I took on as much as I could possibly manage at the church in which I grew up. I sang in a worship team, I led Sunday School singing time, I led the Youth Group, I directed a Christmas program (but was involved in many more prior to that one), I taught Youth Sunday School, I organized the set making/decorating for the church vbs program, I participated in a women’s Bible study, I helped my mom in the church kitchen at multiple events and so the list runs on. I am not saying this to be boastful...in fact, just looking at the list makes me feel a little ashamed.
The woman I was becoming was one that thought (subconsciously, for the most part) that if I could do just one more thing for God, if I could please Him just a little more He would give me the desires of my heart...no matter what the desires of His heart might be for my life. As I found my life less and less easy to manage, I began to see what God was seeing. He did not want me to stand before Him perfect...like the facade I wore every time I walked through the church doors. He wanted me to just be me...to fall before Him like a reverant subject; to obey His voice like a faithful servant; to crawl on His lap like an trusting child; to seek His presence like a lover thirsty for another moment, another whisper.
I slowly, often unwillingly, began to let go of a few of my responsibilities at church, fighting guilt, but breathing more freely. It was then that I met the man who became my husband a speedy 4 months later and swept me out of the city into the wilderness where his cattle ranch lies...far away from family, from friends and from church. A beautiful land, but remote. Now my time is spent learning the cattle trade, working in a nearby First Nations health centre and dearly missing being involved in church community. I don’t miss the programs, just the good food (the spiritual kind, mind you) and the fellowship. I do not doubt that this is where God has led me. In fact, it seems as though He groomed me for this very place. Looking back, I shake my head and wonder how I still have the audacity to so frequently doubt God’s provision for me and guidance of me. I still have much to learn and far to grow!
I want to thank you all for allowing me to join this little bit of community that is taking initiative in the pursuit of personal spiritual growth. It is a beautiful thing to know that there are women in the world seeking God’s face just as I used to do and so long to do again. I look forward to reading your thoughts and sharing with you all even from my humble home in the middle of nowhere!